The ‘Half-Educated’…
I had an appointment to meet this guy last night. Young guy, intelligent, well-educated. He was a couple of minutes late, and offered his apologies thus:
Him: “Sorry I’m late, I was eating dinner at an Italian restaurant.”
Me: “Oh yeah? Have you eaten Italian before?”
Him: “No, it was the first time. I don’t like it.”
Me: “Why not?”
Him: “Because I am a Chinese, so we shouldn’t like other countries’ food.”
Me: “I understand. I also don’t like Chinese food because I am not Chinese.”
Him: “But Chinese has many foods and is very good food. We have all good foods.”
And on it goes. The problem, you see, is that these people are Educated With Chinese Characteristics. That’s a fancy way of saying that, starting age two, they are told that they and their ‘culture’ are superior to anything else in the world. Other countries are only more developed because of a conspiracy by every other nation to keep China from assuming it’s rightful place as Hegemon of the World. And they really do believe it, deep down in that tiny black heart of theirs. Some people I know go on about how China is getting better - they are wrong. It is getting worse, fast. The level of extreme nationalism is already high, and there are many days I feel like a Jew in 1936 Germany. There’s trouble coming, and it’s being planned at the highest levels. Getting the ‘People’ fired up, resentful, and hating foreigners is only one part of it.
Just remember: Hitler got his Olympics, too.
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So this is Home. Bugger.
Q. What’s this ‘Shanghai’ place you live in?
A. Shanghai used to be a muddy little fishing village on the banks of the Huangpu River. Then the British came and set up civilization, which immediately led to huge numbers of illegal immigrants arriving to take advantage of the business climate. Some very decent Americans, Japanese and Russians also showed up. Oh yes, and some French. By the 1920’s Shanghai was a booming centre of trade and had become known worldwide as ‘The Whore of the Orient’. Never had the world seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Nowadays, of course, everything is very different: more people have televisions and some of the buildings are a little taller. There’s an ambitious social program (due to be completed by 2008 2012), in which people are being trained to walk across the street only when the little green light is on. An even more ambitious and longer-term program aims to have all citizens able to both walk and chew gum simultaneously without any foreign assistance whatsoever by 2057. It’s all happening in this fast-changing mega-fishing village.
Q. What’s a ‘Laowai’?
A. Laowai is Mandarin for a no-good, uncultured and stupid barbarian who basically just comes to glorious China to steal jobs and women. Laowai’s come from uncivilized and awful places that have no culture, no history, and nothing whatsoever to like. A laowai, in fact, is the lowest conceivable grade of pond-scum. A less accurate, but more literal, translation is ‘foreigner’.
Q. I don’t live in Shanghai, am I a laowai?
A. If you can read, write and know who your parents actually are, rest assured that you are, indeed, a laowai.
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The parallels between Nazi Germany and the ‘peaceful’ rise of the red Nazi’s in Beijing are indeed striking. Just like in Germany the most dangerous people are the half-educated.
And don’t be fooled by their continuously referring to their ancient ‘culture’. All that is left from that, is some rewritten history. The only culture you will find here nowadays is rampant greed, corruption, cronyism, and a few super strains of the clap.
Whenever you move into a new house (it will inevitably be full of rubbish that the previous occupant can’t be bothered to throw out), always check for children’s primary school books that might have been left behind. These books contain fascinating insights. I once found a politics book aimed at five year olds which asked if the Statue of Liberty was truly a symbol of freedom. All three multiple choice answers all said it wasn’t.
Um…why do you live in China? Just asking.
If you mean me, then it’s because I have a great girl here, a reasonably successful business, a huge liquor cabinet, and a great life too.
’tis a bit of a dichotomy, really. I hate 90% of everything I see here, but the other 10% more than makes up for it. I live better here than I’ve ever lived anywhere before. I’m one of the lucky ones, though - most people can’t take it any more after just a couple of years, and leave vowing never to return. Those are the ones who spend the most time bleating how great and cultural everything is here. Cynical bastards like myself simply learn to lower our expectation levels, in order not to be constantly disappointed when the Chinese act like, well, like Chinese.