MyLaowai’s Cooking Class

Today we are going to cook 5000-Years-Old, Famous-In-The-World, Delicious and Traditional Chinese Food. The actual, specific name of the recipe is unimportant, as it’s all the same anyway, but if it makes you feel better, we can call it HuoCai.

HuoCai

Ingredients:
- Everything in the cupboard
- Everything in the wetmarket
- Everything else that comes to hand

Method:
1. From amongst your huge pile of mixed ingredients, carefully select all the items you would normally consider quite edible. Place these items into a separate iron ricebowl. Then throw away the iron ricebowl and everything in it.
2. From the remaining items, put to one side the things that you would normally never eat, but which you would consider eating in a true survival situation. Make sure you get everything. When you have isolated all the items from which the human body could possibly extract any nutritional value, throw them away.
3. Take the remaining ingredients (chicken claws, insects, offal, curdled blood, turtle shells, foetuses, etc) and put them in a huge pot.
4. Add a gallon of polluted river water, HuangPu brand if possible.
5. Heat on whatever flame you like, for as long as you can be bothered for.
6. Serve in a cracked ‘Beggars Bowl’ (for luck) with a pair of chopsticks.

Voila! A meal fit for a King of Namibia! You will soon discover that this is very good for your healthy, and will cure your Chi, revitalise your Wang, and give your VitalKidneyFunction a much-needed boost.