2007 November 22 « Wo Shi Laowai

Walk Like A Zhongguo Ren

Walk Like A Zhongguo Ren
(To the tune of ‘Walk Like An Egyption’ by The Bangles)

All the Chinese folk in the street
They’re always weaving to and fro
If they move too quick (oh Aiyo!)
They’re falling down like a domino

All the wai di ren laying tiles
They work so slow it’s stop not go
Spit on the floor (oh Aiyo!)
They clench their teeth on their cigarettes

Foreign whites with the hooker types say
Aiyo! Aiyo! oh Aiyo!
Walk like a zhongguo ren

The whore waitresses take your cash
They turn around and they ask for more
They’ve got some nerve (oh Aiyo!)
They spill your drink, kick you out the door

All the school kids so like to sleep
They like to eat, play PC game
When the buzzer rings (oh Aiyo!)
They’re walking like a zhongguo ren

All the thieves in the market place:
Aiyo! Aiyo! oh Aiyo!
Walk like a zhongguo ren

Slide your feet up the street, bend your back
With your arm, drag a striped sack
Life is hard, you know (oh Aiyo!)
So go into a cheaper whackshack

If you wanna find all the cops
They’re hanging out in the noodle shop
They preen and prance (oh Aiyo!)
Tiny minds and smaller cocks

All the Japanese lose their yen
The Party boys hate some guy called Chen
But those Chineys know (oh Aiyo!)
They’re walking like a zhongguo ren

All the cops in the noodle shop say:
Aiyo! Aiyo! oh Aiyo!
Walk like a zhongguo ren
Walk like a zhongguo ren

Thursday, November 22, 2007 Posted by MyLaowai | Uncategorized | Music | 2 Comments

So this is Home. Bugger.

Q. What’s this ‘Shanghai’ place you live in?

A. Shanghai used to be a muddy little fishing village on the banks of the Huangpu River. Then the British came and set up civilization, which immediately led to huge numbers of illegal immigrants arriving to take advantage of the business climate. Some very decent Americans, Japanese and Russians also showed up. Oh yes, and some French. By the 1920’s Shanghai was a booming centre of trade and had become known worldwide as ‘The Whore of the Orient’. Never had the world seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Nowadays, of course, everything is very different: more people have televisions and some of the buildings are a little taller. There’s an ambitious social program (due to be completed by 2008 2012), in which people are being trained to walk across the street only when the little green light is on. An even more ambitious and longer-term program aims to have all citizens able to both walk and chew gum simultaneously without any foreign assistance whatsoever by 2057. It’s all happening in this fast-changing mega-fishing village.

Q. What’s a ‘Laowai’?

A. Laowai is Mandarin for a no-good, uncultured and stupid barbarian who basically just comes to glorious China to steal jobs and women. Laowai’s come from uncivilized and awful places that have no culture, no history, and nothing whatsoever to like. A laowai, in fact, is the lowest conceivable grade of pond-scum. A less accurate, but more literal, translation is ‘foreigner’.

Q. I don’t live in Shanghai, am I a laowai?

A. If you can read, write and know who your parents actually are, rest assured that you are, indeed, a laowai.