2008 February 01 « Wo Shi Laowai

Snow in China - The True Story

Problem One

The Chinese Communist Party permits the price of coal to rise, whilst capping the price of electricity at a ridiculously low level. The effect of this, naturally, is that for every watt of electricity generated, the generating companies loses money. The more power that is generated, the more money the companies lose. The generating companies, therefore, reduce their production of electricity to a low level. No big surprises there.

It gets a bit cold, and the Chinese Communist Party, realising that cold people are more likely to be rebellious people, orders the generating companies to resume full output, and further orders all transportation networks (road, rail) to give priority to shipment of coal to the power plants.

Along comes Spring Festival, when half a billion lemmings decide to travel across the nation in order to give their money to their parents so that they can lose it gambling at Majong. But wait - there are no trains. Why? Because all the trains are busy transporting coal.

Problem Two

The Chinese Communist Party caps the price of diesel at the pump, apparently unaware that the price of oil has long since hit USD$100 per barrel, and is still climbing. The refining companies, quite naturally, reduce their production of diesel (and what they do produce is made with high-sulphur content crude which nobody else wants).

With no diesel, heavy road transport and farm machinery grinds to a halt, which means that consumer goods and other products cannot be transported from A to B. The first result of that? Shops with nothing to sell. The second result is that farms produce less, and what is produced cannot be transported to market.

Solution

The Chinese Communist Party announces that the weather in China is the worst in fifty years, and that road and rail networks are paralysed as a result. Chairman Hu goes to talk to some coal miners to encourage them to produce more coal. Foreign media totally buy into the story and the Chinese Communist Party is again let of the hook thanks to the happy gullibility of the Free Press.

The End. Until The Next Time.

Friday, February 1, 2008 Posted by MyLaowai | China, Clusterfucks, Foreign Media, Propaganda, Weather | | 4 Comments

So this is Home. Bugger.

Q. What’s this ‘Shanghai’ place you live in?

A. Shanghai used to be a muddy little fishing village on the banks of the Huangpu River. Then the British came and set up civilization, which immediately led to huge numbers of illegal immigrants arriving to take advantage of the business climate. Some very decent Americans, Japanese and Russians also showed up. Oh yes, and some French. By the 1920’s Shanghai was a booming centre of trade and had become known worldwide as ‘The Whore of the Orient’. Never had the world seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Nowadays, of course, everything is very different: more people have televisions and some of the buildings are a little taller. There’s an ambitious social program (due to be completed by 2008 2012), in which people are being trained to walk across the street only when the little green light is on. An even more ambitious and longer-term program aims to have all citizens able to both walk and chew gum simultaneously without any foreign assistance whatsoever by 2057. It’s all happening in this fast-changing mega-fishing village.

Q. What’s a ‘Laowai’?

A. Laowai is Mandarin for a no-good, uncultured and stupid barbarian who basically just comes to glorious China to steal jobs and women. Laowai’s come from uncivilized and awful places that have no culture, no history, and nothing whatsoever to like. A laowai, in fact, is the lowest conceivable grade of pond-scum. A less accurate, but more literal, translation is ‘foreigner’.

Q. I don’t live in Shanghai, am I a laowai?

A. If you can read, write and know who your parents actually are, rest assured that you are, indeed, a laowai.