My Wet Pussy Award - February ‘08
Anyone who has taken a bus, a taxi, or the subway in Shanghai will be aware of the award-winning exploits of those zany friends of language learning, David Wu and his buddies Jim and Rich.
David, referring to himself in his blog as a Superstar Entertainer in China, is almost single-handedly responsible for teaching Diligent Chinese Citizens such fantastically useful English words as ‘vator (apparently this is what normal people refer to as a ‘lift’). As he says of himself:
“Yes,I’m sort of know around as the, “English Teacher” on T.V. Ever since Channel V’s “Go West” program came out, learning English has took on a whole different meaning.”
No Shit.
David, not only are you the most annoyingly wet twat I’ve ever seen whilst hanging on for dear life in the back of a Shanghainese taxi, you are also a complete and utter Wet Pussy. And we all know what that means, don’t we?
David Wu - My Wet Pussy Award, February ‘08
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So this is Home. Bugger.
Q. What’s this ‘Shanghai’ place you live in?
A. Shanghai used to be a muddy little fishing village on the banks of the Huangpu River. Then the British came and set up civilization, which immediately led to huge numbers of illegal immigrants arriving to take advantage of the business climate. Some very decent Americans, Japanese and Russians also showed up. Oh yes, and some French. By the 1920’s Shanghai was a booming centre of trade and had become known worldwide as ‘The Whore of the Orient’. Never had the world seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Nowadays, of course, everything is very different: more people have televisions and some of the buildings are a little taller. There’s an ambitious social program (due to be completed by 2008 2012), in which people are being trained to walk across the street only when the little green light is on. An even more ambitious and longer-term program aims to have all citizens able to both walk and chew gum simultaneously without any foreign assistance whatsoever by 2057. It’s all happening in this fast-changing mega-fishing village.
Q. What’s a ‘Laowai’?
A. Laowai is Mandarin for a no-good, uncultured and stupid barbarian who basically just comes to glorious China to steal jobs and women. Laowai’s come from uncivilized and awful places that have no culture, no history, and nothing whatsoever to like. A laowai, in fact, is the lowest conceivable grade of pond-scum. A less accurate, but more literal, translation is ‘foreigner’.
Q. I don’t live in Shanghai, am I a laowai?
A. If you can read, write and know who your parents actually are, rest assured that you are, indeed, a laowai.
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By the looks of it (and of his blog) he IS a twat allright, but forgive your friends and readers for not commenting on your February Award: On my part, at least, I (happily) did not know that this bleeder even existed, till I read your post! A Superstar Entertainer in China, my…
Hahaha I have just confirmed the winner for March. I might hold it up my sleeve for a day or two, to make it look like I gave all the other twats a chance to qualify, but rest assured, this one is a doozy…
Looking forward to it, need something to laugh at after having come across one Louise Blouhard’s “(Mis)judgement: Spielberg And The Beijing Olympics”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/louise-macbain/misjudgement-spielberg_b_89037.html
“China in its development needs to be patiently supported, and in this support we will find willing partners to solve a number of these pressing global problems. We all have skeletons in our closets and we have to resist the urge to point fingers.”
My personal twat of the month.
It looks like we will not run out of twats for decades to come.