2008 March 31 « Wo Shi Laowai

My Wet Pussy Award - March 2008

Well, they all came crawling out of the woodwork this month, didn’t they? Every sympathisers dream came true this month, when the Red Army renewed their campaign to grind the people of Tibet into the dust, and eradicate their culture forever. Of course, it’s merely a continuation of what they’ve been doing since 1950, and it isn’t just the Tibetans they’ve been doing it to either, as the Uighur and Mongolian peoples can attest.

It wasn’t easy finding a Wet Pussy for March ‘08, due to the sheer volume of brown-nosed creeps out there who insisted that the rest of the world should “take a step back” and “respect China’s internal affairs”. Bullshit, of course, and the sort of thing that gets you crossed off my Christmas Card list.

In the final analysis, though, this month’s winner won on the basis of something not immediately connected with the ongoing brutality in Tibet (and East Turkestan and Inner Mongolia). He won it mainly because he came out of the sympathiser closet well before the recent events in Tibet.

Ian Morrison is a “senior copy editor with ChinaDaily”, which in and of itself is reason enough to hang him from the nearest tree by his dangly bits. The following article was sent to me by a reader in Shanghai, and is reproduced here for your contempt:

$Wet Pussy Award - March \'08$

Did you read it properly? Note the sentence: “…does democracy exist in China? I would argue that it does. But what someone in Berlin, Baltimore, or Beijing regards as ‘democratic’ may be different.” No shit, Sherlock.

And what about: “…as a proudly independant nation, [China] does not develop ‘models’ for others to copy…” Is that right? Really? Tell that to all the poor sods living in the annexed territories, or in the countries that China unsuccessfully invaded over the last 60 years. It’s a long list of places. Tell that to the Taiwanese or Hong Kongers, for that matter.

This article, incidentally, was printed on the same page as a piece explaining that the world should follow China’s model for development.

And for that fact, alone, Mr Morrison, you win this month’s Wet Pussy Award.

Wet Pussy Award - March 2008

Ian Morrison, Wet Pussy Award Winner, March 2008

Monday, March 31, 2008 Posted by MyLaowai | China, My Wet Pussy, Propaganda | | 4 Comments

So this is Home. Bugger.

Q. What’s this ‘Shanghai’ place you live in?

A. Shanghai used to be a muddy little fishing village on the banks of the Huangpu River. Then the British came and set up civilization, which immediately led to huge numbers of illegal immigrants arriving to take advantage of the business climate. Some very decent Americans, Japanese and Russians also showed up. Oh yes, and some French. By the 1920’s Shanghai was a booming centre of trade and had become known worldwide as ‘The Whore of the Orient’. Never had the world seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Nowadays, of course, everything is very different: more people have televisions and some of the buildings are a little taller. There’s an ambitious social program (due to be completed by 2008 2012), in which people are being trained to walk across the street only when the little green light is on. An even more ambitious and longer-term program aims to have all citizens able to both walk and chew gum simultaneously without any foreign assistance whatsoever by 2057. It’s all happening in this fast-changing mega-fishing village.

Q. What’s a ‘Laowai’?

A. Laowai is Mandarin for a no-good, uncultured and stupid barbarian who basically just comes to glorious China to steal jobs and women. Laowai’s come from uncivilized and awful places that have no culture, no history, and nothing whatsoever to like. A laowai, in fact, is the lowest conceivable grade of pond-scum. A less accurate, but more literal, translation is ‘foreigner’.

Q. I don’t live in Shanghai, am I a laowai?

A. If you can read, write and know who your parents actually are, rest assured that you are, indeed, a laowai.