2008 May 18 « Wo Shi Laowai

Quakes and Fakes

Did you hear the one about kids in Sichuan spending days on end with their heads buried in their school books?

Ok, so that’s in incredibly poor taste, but it isn’t nearly as bad as the one about the Communist Party that builds schools out of tofu in known earthquake zones, and then when the inevitable happens, refuses to allow trained experts to do anything to help, because they don’t want foreigners to see their shame.

I’ve been asked time and again by local businesses to give donations of money “to help the people in Sichuan”, and they are always angry with me when I refuse. Angry with me? My home country, of which I am a taxpaying citizen, offered money. And supplies. And trained teams of experts. And they were told to stay out of China’s affairs. Why are these so-called charitable collectors not angry - nay, livid, absolutely furious - with their own ruling clique? Where are the patriotic, angry youth now? Why are they not calling for the heads of Hu Jintao, Wen Jiabao, and the rest of the murderers who rule this place? Why aren’t the ‘concerned students’ at Tianya baying for the blood of their these bastards, instead of fretting anxiously about a few foreigners having relationships with Chinese girls?

And why is it that, when the inevitable happens and a few low-level Party officials are made scapegoats and executed for the crimes of their Party, why is it that everyone will lay the blame on them, but not dare to lay the blame squarely where it belongs: at the doorstep of the system itself?

That’s right, the system itself. Not just the politcal system that keeps a small cabal of murderers, thugs and goons in absolute power, but also the social system that for the last 2,300 years has made not caring one iota about anyone else a virtue, and corruption something to be admired. The same system that refuses to allow foreigners to help the victims of your own diseased culture, because you might lose your face. And yes, I know how important your face is to you, just ask any Burmese general.

Think about that, ‘Patriotic Citizens’, next time you talk about how great China is.

Sunday, May 18, 2008 Posted by MyLaowai | China, Disasters | | 33 Comments

So this is Home. Bugger.

Q. What’s this ‘Shanghai’ place you live in?

A. Shanghai used to be a muddy little fishing village on the banks of the Huangpu River. Then the British came and set up civilization, which immediately led to huge numbers of illegal immigrants arriving to take advantage of the business climate. Some very decent Americans, Japanese and Russians also showed up. Oh yes, and some French. By the 1920’s Shanghai was a booming centre of trade and had become known worldwide as ‘The Whore of the Orient’. Never had the world seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Nowadays, of course, everything is very different: more people have televisions and some of the buildings are a little taller. There’s an ambitious social program (due to be completed by 2008 2012), in which people are being trained to walk across the street only when the little green light is on. An even more ambitious and longer-term program aims to have all citizens able to both walk and chew gum simultaneously without any foreign assistance whatsoever by 2057. It’s all happening in this fast-changing mega-fishing village.

Q. What’s a ‘Laowai’?

A. Laowai is Mandarin for a no-good, uncultured and stupid barbarian who basically just comes to glorious China to steal jobs and women. Laowai’s come from uncivilized and awful places that have no culture, no history, and nothing whatsoever to like. A laowai, in fact, is the lowest conceivable grade of pond-scum. A less accurate, but more literal, translation is ‘foreigner’.

Q. I don’t live in Shanghai, am I a laowai?

A. If you can read, write and know who your parents actually are, rest assured that you are, indeed, a laowai.