Are You Chinese?
Are you Chinese? Just take this quick test to find out:
1. You look at a chicken, an animal that is 97.2% succulent meat, and all you can see are a few spine fragments and some claws. Mmmmm… Delicious!
+1 point
2. Read the following:
“I was a terrorist who helped overthrow the legally elected government of my country. I then murdered or exiled my closest comrades and those who had helped me get to the top. I hold the title of Greatest Butcher in Human History, having killed more than 120 million people, more people than Hitler and Stalin combined - most of them citizens of my own country. I ordered the invasion of many neighboring countries, annexed three of them, and ordered their populations massacred. I declared war on the United Nations, and tried to get nuclear weapons from the Russians because I actually wanted a nuclear war with the West. Who am I?“
You have no idea who I am: +1 point
You know who I am, and think I’m great for kicking out the foreigners: +3 points
You can’t read: +1 point
3. How many of the following statements do you agree with?
* Cold beer gives you stomach cancer.
* Four legs good, two legs b er, The East is Red!
* Pregnant women shouldn’t watch TV, to avoid damaging their baby’s eyes.
* China has always been a peaceful nation.
+1 point per ‘yes’ answer
4. You know that China invented the following:
* the compass
* gunpowder
* the wheelbarrow
* concrete
* the Olympic Games
* mountains
* oxygen
* grass
+1 point per ‘yes’ answer
5. You can count to ten using the fingers of just one hand.
+1 point
6. How many of the following statements do you agree with?
* “[my hometown] is very developing fast and beautiful”
* “Chinese food is best delicious food in world”
* “One world, one dream”
* “Western media is not honest”
+1 point per ‘yes’ answer
7. Read the following passage:
Opium: an addictive drug grown by Chinese farmers, harvested and processed by Chinese workers, sold by Chinese Government officials to Chinese drug users, and exported by Chinese traders.
You read this, and immediately blame the British for the Opium Wars: +2 points
8. If it moves, you eat it. If it doesn’t move, you kick it until it moves.
+1 point
9. When asked to describe any animal or plant in the world, you start by saying how delicious it is. Then you run out of things to say.
+1 point
10. Geography Section. How many of the following are true?
* Africa is a country.
* Meiguo is the name of a country.
* China is the biggest country in the world.
* Himalaya is a biggest mountain in world.
* ‘Western’ is a country.
+1 point per ‘yes’ answer
How did you score?
0 points: Nope, you must be one of those no-good laowai we’ve been hearing about. HELLOOOO! Mind if I stare?
1-5 points: You’re not Chinese, but your mother and I are a little concerned. You could be a student.
6-10 point: No doubt you are a foreigner, but you probably think hutongs are cool places to live. Twat.
11-20 points: Borderline insanity at best, why not just shoot yourself now and send your family the bill for the bullet?
21+ You are Chinese. If you get to this part and you are still able to count higher without using your superfluous fingers and toes, congratulations. No doubt you will make a fine addition to the Fenqing Army. Why not go and eat a chicken claw and then beat your wife / husband to celebrate your cultural superiority?
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So this is Home. Bugger.
Q. What’s this ‘Shanghai’ place you live in?
A. Shanghai used to be a muddy little fishing village on the banks of the Huangpu River. Then the British came and set up civilization, which immediately led to huge numbers of illegal immigrants arriving to take advantage of the business climate. Some very decent Americans, Japanese and Russians also showed up. Oh yes, and some French. By the 1920’s Shanghai was a booming centre of trade and had become known worldwide as ‘The Whore of the Orient’. Never had the world seen such a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Nowadays, of course, everything is very different: more people have televisions and some of the buildings are a little taller. There’s an ambitious social program (due to be completed by 2008 2012), in which people are being trained to walk across the street only when the little green light is on. An even more ambitious and longer-term program aims to have all citizens able to both walk and chew gum simultaneously without any foreign assistance whatsoever by 2057. It’s all happening in this fast-changing mega-fishing village.
Q. What’s a ‘Laowai’?
A. Laowai is Mandarin for a no-good, uncultured and stupid barbarian who basically just comes to glorious China to steal jobs and women. Laowai’s come from uncivilized and awful places that have no culture, no history, and nothing whatsoever to like. A laowai, in fact, is the lowest conceivable grade of pond-scum. A less accurate, but more literal, translation is ‘foreigner’.
Q. I don’t live in Shanghai, am I a laowai?
A. If you can read, write and know who your parents actually are, rest assured that you are, indeed, a laowai.
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I believe question #5 is not a good test since most Germans I know can do that, too, with slightly different hand signs.
That may very well be true. Then again, most Germans only have five fingers per hand.
Just something to oonsider…
I’m German, but the only way I could think of counting to ten with only one hand (before I learnt some Chinese) was to use one hand twice.
If there is an original German way of doing it, please enlighten me about it, monkey. Having only five fingers per hand, makes counting-to-ten just the more skillful.
Come to think about it, I might have being fooled by those guys. When they showed me that (4 years ago so I don’t remember how they did it now), they were trying to tell the Chinese student in our group that the Germans can do that, too. Oh, well.
I guess in that kind of situation I would have made something up, too. Discussions with Chinese people tend to be pretty competitive in recent years. Anyway, we invented China.
Well hello there. I’m currently at rest within the warm bosom of my native constitutional monarchy: where the beer is warm, the weather is cold, and the police indifferent. That said, I thought I would drop by to see how things are going with you and I am pleased to see your output is still of the same high calibre. I do think the old page format was better though, but maybe I’m just a reactionary pig ranking just below landlord class in counter-revolutionarianismismism.
I was also once told by someone in Beijing who I believe is technically known as “a cunt” that we shouldn’t say hutongs because there is no plural in the original Chinese, and thus the “s” is superflous. I stabbed him in the eye with sharpened split infinitive.
Meursault,
You have done well. I believe MyLaoway wrote “hutongs” on purpose. As for the page format, I must be a rightist, too: My first thought on seeing the change was that my (almost) spanking new Firefox 3.0 got “inr pissed”, or something!
After taking the test, I have determined that I am a “Jabba”. Now please allow me to waddle to my black Audi with my bitch bag tucked in my armpit…
I think the reason why you constantly run into shit in China is because you are shit, and you are drawn to scum and whores just like you are in your native countries.
At least 95% of white people are ignorant, hypocritical parasites with no soul or any shred of humanity: history has proven this time and time again. The white race is a cancer.
Therefore you will draw the attention of vultures, maggots, and little yappy dogs whenever you visit other countries as you are essentially a 220 pound steaming pile of human shit. Anyone with sense would avoid you like the plague.
“At least 95% of white people are ignorant, hypocritical parasites with no soul or any shred of humanity: history has proven this time and time again. The white race is a cancer.”
Shenma?
But you were right when you went on about the large number of “vultures, maggots, and little yappy dogs” I see here all the time.
Have a nice day.
“I think the reason why you constantly run into shit in China is because you are shit”
No, the real reason is that there actually *is* shit there. In fact, it’s a 4999 years worth of manure. That pile is difficult to miss, and so is the stink.
BTW, how did you score in the test, Disgusting?
Guess he is fetching his bitch bag too
But you were right when you went on about the large number of “vultures, maggots, and little yappy dogs” I see here all the time.
This is probably because white pieces of shit gravitate towards other shitty subhumans like themselves. Kinda like how the Russians were drawn to Mao and Amerikkka was drawn to Mobuto Sese Seko, Papa Doc, Pinochet, and Shah Reza Pahlavi.
@mylaowai
You are such a clown
here comes a bit of traffic you are yarning for
* Pregnant women shouldn’t watch TV, to avoid damaging their baby’s eyes.
was this from you wife or your mother-in-law ?
Stoogie, if YOU were a clown, you would be unemployable. Is there anything you can do right?
Yes you are so bright for a change. That is why I’m a spectator.
The white yank is dum diddy do then you must be dum diddy dum..
Go ahead .. jump … make me laugh.
Dude, even with Chinese styles you still need two hands for ten, and I believe the plural of hutong is hutong or hutongr. Don’t you love the Olympics?
Happy happy everyday!~~~~~~~><
The plural of hutong is hutongmen.