My Wet Pussy Award - May 2008

It’s a bit of a different story this month, and it took me a while to figure out how I was going to tell it. My apologies for being a couple of days late.

I have a friend who’s just gotten out of a Chinese Detention Centre. He was inside for a month, and what he went through was fairly horrific. He’s certainly not the man he was before he went in. Before I tell you a bit more of his story, however, I’d like to talk briefly about a few of the other foreigners that were in there at the same time.

There’s the guy, for instance, who made the mistake of being in a bar at the same time that a bar fight broke out between two groups of Chinese. He wasn’t involved in any way at all, but he was the one the Police picked up because he was the only customer who wasn’t a local. He was, in fact, a sailor on a container ship that had docked up the river, and this was his first visit to China. He spent every night crying and praying. He only got out when the Captain of his ship payed an enormous bribe to the prison guards.

Or the guy from South East Asia, who was picked up in a random sweep in the far west (Xinjiang to the locals, East Turkestan to the rest of the world). His crime was ‘looking like a separatist’. The local Police there, unwilling to admit they had picked up a foreigner by mistake, shipped him off to distant Shanghai. He’s been in for months, and has no prospect of getting out any time soon.

Then there’s the foreign investor whose Joint Venture partner, a corrupt member of the Shanghai Government, decided he wanted the whole operation for himself, and had this poor blighter arrested and put away.

Worst of all, the guy who has been inside for a year and a half. His crime? In the words of the guard who boasted to my friend: “He’s black, and we don’t like black people in China. We don’t want to let him out”.

None of these people - none of them - have ever been charged with any crime. None of them has, to the best of my knowledge, been allowed to see a lawyer. Their consulates don’t know they are in there. Their families haven’t heard from them. They have simply disappeared.

Which brings me to my friend.

He was in a bar with his colleagues after work early one evening, when a very large, very drunk American came over and accused his boss of stealing his drink. He was very obviously looking to start a fight. The target of his aggression offered to buy him another drink to replace the one he had lost, and the American went away after roundly abusing the entire group. Half an hour later he was back, and made to attack my friend. My friend threw up his arm to protect his face, and the glass he was holding nicked the American (but not badly, just enough to draw a little blood). After the American was restrained, my friend left quickly so as to avoid further incident, but apparently the American was able to find out where he worked and what his name was.

Several days later, my friend got an email from this American, which said “I’m gonna fuck you up”. That night, when he arrived home, the Police had set a trap for him, and whisked him away to the Detention Centre.

My friend was lucky - his girlfriend knew what happened to him. Why lucky? Because when the girlfriend went to the consulate, and the consulate went to the Police asking why they hadn’t filed the mandatory report with them, the Police denied any knowledge of the incident. They continued to deny knowing the whereabouts of my friend for a week, and when they finally admitted to knowing where he was, it took another week before they allowed Consular officials to see him, in clear violation of several international agreements. My friend was warned at this time not to say anything except that he was being treated well.

He was not being treated well, not by a long shot.

He was being subjected to intense political re-education, all day every day. No exercise, bright lights all the time, emotional abuse, you name it. He was placed in a small cell with half a dozen Chinese murderers who had also been subjected to the same political re-education, and who as a result harboured a particular hatred towards all foreigners. He ate stale rice and drank dirty water for a month. He slept on the floor. No showers, and one shave per week, with a blunt and bloodied razor that was used for the entire prison population (he refused to shave). Following the events in Sichuan recently, the guards came around and demanded that all prisoners sign a document ‘donating’ their money to the guards, for an ‘Earthquake Appeal’, and when my friend refused, the guards saw to it that all the other prisoners knew it.

My friend was not treated well. Not by a long shot.

He was released after his family agreed to pay the American 350,000 RMB (although he had originally demanded 1,000,000). That’s a lot of money.

And what about this mysterious American, the one who arranged for him to be there? Well, it turns out that this particular Yank has rather a history of doing this sort of thing to people. His modus operandi is to start fights with other foreigners, younger than himself and smaller in build, and then have them arrested. He either pays the Police a percentage or a set price, it isn’t clear which. And then he pockets the money and moves on to the next victim. A regular, old-fashioned, extortion racket. Just like in the old days.

This bastard lives in Shanghai, and has in fact been here for quite a few years. He is involved in real estate, and has a lot of local connections to help him do his dirty work. I know who this person is, I know what he looks like, I know where he works and where he lives, and I know what I’d like to see happen to him. My friend has asked that I don’t publish any of that, and I intend to repect his wishes. But I will also be hitting my knees on the floor every night, praying that this bastard gets his just desserts.

This Wet Pussy Award is for him.

Un-named Yank Bastard, Wet Pussy Award winner.

And where now are the righteous Chinese patriots, the ones who cry foul whenever China’s human right’s record is questioned? I can only presume they are okay with their own Police and Party Officials colluding with this American, to extort money out of other foreigners. But hey, feel free to prove me wrong - until you do, I’ll go right on believing that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

And while I’m quoting others, here’s another one for you:

“Why is that camera off? You don’t know what you’re doing here, but maybe I know what I’m doing here. These people [the State] are risking their lives for us? I want to see what they’re going through, even if they don’t want us to. And I want other people to see it. What do you think they’re doing out there? Protecting and defending secrecy? That’s the world of Mao, the world of Stalin, the world of secret police, of secret trials, of secret deaths! You force the press into the cold, and all you will get is lies and innuendo, and nothing - nothing! - is worse for a free society than a press that is in service to the Military and the Politicians. Nothing! You turn that camera off when I tell you to turn it off! You think I give a damn what you think about me? You serve the People? So do I.”

My Wet Pussy Award - April 2008

It wasn’t enough for me this month to merely name some hopeless schmuk as a Wet Pussy, just because he had sided with the butchers in Beijing. Oh no, I wanted more. I wanted a bigger fish to fry, and by the Lords of Kobol I got it.

Now, to be perfectly Francis with you, I’ve always kind of liked the Kiwi’s. They play good rugby, drink good beer and plenty of it, can usually manage a laugh at themselves, and have a healthy disrespect of authority. I like that. I’ve also been to New Zealand, and it’s a very nice place indeed. Good huntin’ and fishin’ for those of us who’re into that sort of thing, amazing rivers and lakes and ocean and forest and snow, and all that good Nature stuff. And Hobbits, everybody likes Hobbits.

The thing is, I never thought I’d live to see the day when I’d side with the French over the New Zealanders. The French do have somewhat of a, er, shall we say reputation for, er, shall we say not always making the bravest or most moral decisions. I’m not saying that I hold that opinion myself, you understand, but it’s a reputation that precedes any French citizen, fairly or otherwise. And it’s a reputation that is diametrically different from that which the Kiwi’s possess. So you can imagine my shock and horror when the French honored His Holiness the Dalai Lama with the keys to the city (Paris), and the Kiwi’s honored Hu Jintao (a.k.a. the Butcher of Lhasa) with a Free Trade Agreement.

What the fuck were those idiots thinking? Why not simply give Poland to Hitler’s descendants? Same deal.

So, to my everlasting sadness, I was ready to award April’s Wet Pussy Award to New Zealand, when out of the blue, Australian politician and all-round fucktard Kim Beasley gives an interview on Chinese TV and, when asked about Australia’s position vis-a-vis Tibet, says: “Well, let’s get back to first principles. Everyone in the world knows that Tibet and Taiwan are now and have always been part of China.”

Mister Beasley, are you out of your tiny retarded fucking mind? Who the hell are you to speak for everybody in the world? You can’t even speak for the people of your own country, ever since your own party kicked you out of the hot seat. When I hear knuckleheads like you speaking, it reminds me of the joke about the Eighth Wonder of the World being an Australian in a bar… with his mouth shut.

Mister Beasley, how dare you sell out the tens of millions of poor sods in Taiwan and Tibet, who look to your country with hope? How dare you hand the murdering bastards in Beijing such a propaganda coup? Sure, it was a question that was hard to answer, so why answer it at all? You’re a politician! You’ve spent years not answering questions, distorting facts, telling lies - surely you could have kept yer trap shut just this once? What the Hell were you thinking? Mister Beasley, pray you never run into me in a bar, unless you want to be picking up your teeth with broken fingers, then walking to the dentist’s on broken legs.

Mister Beasley, it is my greatest pleasure to be able to sling this Wet Pussy Award at you. I hope you go and choke on it.

Kim Beasley, Wet Pussy Award winner and right bastard.

My Wet Pussy Award - March 2008

Well, they all came crawling out of the woodwork this month, didn’t they? Every sympathisers dream came true this month, when the Red Army renewed their campaign to grind the people of Tibet into the dust, and eradicate their culture forever. Of course, it’s merely a continuation of what they’ve been doing since 1950, and it isn’t just the Tibetans they’ve been doing it to either, as the Uighur and Mongolian peoples can attest.

It wasn’t easy finding a Wet Pussy for March ‘08, due to the sheer volume of brown-nosed creeps out there who insisted that the rest of the world should “take a step back” and “respect China’s internal affairs”. Bullshit, of course, and the sort of thing that gets you crossed off my Christmas Card list.

In the final analysis, though, this month’s winner won on the basis of something not immediately connected with the ongoing brutality in Tibet (and East Turkestan and Inner Mongolia). He won it mainly because he came out of the sympathiser closet well before the recent events in Tibet.

Ian Morrison is a “senior copy editor with ChinaDaily”, which in and of itself is reason enough to hang him from the nearest tree by his dangly bits. The following article was sent to me by a reader in Shanghai, and is reproduced here for your contempt:

Did you read it properly? Note the sentence: “…does democracy exist in China? I would argue that it does. But what someone in Berlin, Baltimore, or Beijing regards as ‘democratic’ may be different.” No shit, Sherlock.

And what about: “…as a proudly independant nation, [China] does not develop ‘models’ for others to copy…” Is that right? Really? Tell that to all the poor sods living in the annexed territories, or in the countries that China unsuccessfully invaded over the last 60 years. It’s a long list of places. Tell that to the Taiwanese or Hong Kongers, for that matter.

This article, incidentally, was printed on the same page as a piece explaining that the world should follow China’s model for development.

And for that fact, alone, Mr Morrison, you win this month’s Wet Pussy Award.

Ian Morrison, Wet Pussy Award Winner, March 2008

My Wet Pussy Award - February ‘08

Anyone who has taken a bus, a taxi, or the subway in Shanghai will be aware of the award-winning exploits of those zany friends of language learning, David Wu and his buddies Jim and Rich.

David, referring to himself in his blog as a Superstar Entertainer in China, is almost single-handedly responsible for teaching Diligent Chinese Citizens such fantastically useful English words as ‘vator (apparently this is what normal people refer to as a ‘lift’). As he says of himself:

“Yes,I’m sort of know around as the, “English Teacher” on T.V. Ever since Channel V’s “Go West” program came out, learning English has took on a whole different meaning.”

No Shit.

David, not only are you the most annoyingly wet twat I’ve ever seen whilst hanging on for dear life in the back of a Shanghainese taxi, you are also a complete and utter Wet Pussy. And we all know what that means, don’t we?

David Wu - My Wet Pussy Award, February ‘08

My Wet Pussy Award - January ‘08

There are some people who, were this the post-WWII period, would no doubt be busy explaining themselves to UNWCC (the United Nations War Crimes Commission). I refer, of course, to those people who have gone over to the Yellow Side of the Force, and who have gone out of their way to provide support, aid and comfort to the Enemy.

Now, I’m not talking about just anyone here. Not at all. Businessmen who have suppliers in China are guilty of funding the regime, but I’m not referring to them in this post. Tourists who visit Red China are guilty of providing moral support to the regime, but I’m not referring to them, either. Those of us who live here are guilty of giving the regime credibility, but I’m not referring to us, either.

I’m referring to the small group of foreigners who actively seek out ways to support the Han Regime, who publicly side with the Chinese Communist Party on matters such as invasion (and genocide) in places like Mongolia, East Turkestan, and Tibet. People who publicly offered support to the regime in the days following the nationwide bloodletting that followed the butchery of Tiananmen Square just a few years ago. A great many of these sympathisers work (or have worked) in the entertainment industry, and most show their support by simply agreeing in public with the position the Han regime takes on anything and everything: They do television commercials in which it is agreed that [the few remaining] Tibetans are very happy with their lives, they do ‘learn English’ programs in which Uighur herdsmen are forced to say that China is their country, they do the ‘look at the stupid Laowai’ entertainment shows in which Han Chinese are shown to be superior to the nasty barbarian foreigners.

Most of my readers who are familiar with China, probably think they know where I’m going with this. “Ha ha ha”, you are thinking, “you’re about to have a crack at DaShan”.

Well, young grasshoppers, you’re not quite right.

It is true that Mark Rowswell, known throughout Red China as DaShan, is as guilty as they come. As the best-known of the apologists he is an easy and highly visible target for anyone to take a shot at. Which is why I’m going to introduce to you one of the lesser-known, but no less traitorous, sympathisers…

Daniel Newham

Daniel Newham is, according to his website, “one of the few Westerners both lucky and skilled enough to study the intriguing art of Kuaiban” [which is ordinary talking in the usual way, but with a bit of a rhythmic pattern. Not terribly hard or clever]. His self-proclaimed ‘Fan Club’ boasts four members, three of which are pre-pubescent Chinese girls and the other is himself. But most of all, he does Entertainment For The Han Regime.

Check this out, and see if you can find all the things he does that are morally wrong (I stopped counting at 100):

As one of the seven comments on Daniel’s blog says:

Posting moody black and white photographs of yourself in an attempt to look better won’t change anything. You are and most probably always will be a deluded, talentless, and arrogant dick. You should have stayed at Durham.

Daniel Newham, it is my pleasure to present you with the MyLaowai Wet Pussy Award for January 2008. And we all know what ‘Wet Pussy‘ is an allegory for, don’t we?

My Wet Pussy, January 2008